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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Lollywood : Behind The Scenes

Heyyyyy Alllllllll

Today am going to tell you guys a little story on my approximately 50 minutes of Lollywood career.
Shocked??
Yes people I have been to Lollywood and to tell you its a very very dark place. DARK INDEED

Everybody was talking about the decline in the cinema and all and people told me to write something for the cinema so I did. I Sohaib Mansoor was gonna take over the Cinema after taking out Shoaib Mansoor. Didn't looked nice to put a guy with the same name as my elder brother out of work but well all is fair in love & war.
So I wrote a patriotic story and got ready to make it all but I needed actors so to pick fresh new actors I launched an audition for new talent to come and prove their talent.

Now begins the darkest 50 minutes of my life and am stating much in dialogues

Me: Send in the first one

First person enters

Me (looking down at some papers) : So your name?
Contestant 1: Kkkkkkkkirrraaann
Me: Kiran you have such a manly voice
Contestant 1: Don ko pakarna mushkil hi nahin, naa mumkin hai
Me (Quickly turning my head from papers) : Shahrukh Khan? OMG Its such an honor
Contestant 1: Ahahahahahahahahahaha (Shahrukh Khan Style)
Me: I didn't knew I would have to end the auditions just after they started I mean.......

I was stopped by my assistant and he said to me

Assistant: Yeh China waala Shahrukh Khan hai
Me: Get Lost That's Sahir Lodhi Man
Contestant 1: Somebody said my name?
Me: So its not Shahrukh khan but his franchise in Pakistan?
Sahir: Ahahahahahahahahahaha (Shahrukh Khan Style)
Me: Stop it you are killing me, so what brings you here?
Sahir: Goooooooood morninggggg, how are you? am fine , so tell me please how are you? tell me tell me tell me, my phone lines are open , you can call or sms your answer to 111-111-103 and you can....
Me (Stopping him): Woah woah woah, Its a film audition not your FM show
Sahir: Somebody is feeling a little down so lets go towards our first track from Shahrukh Khan's movie this song never gets old for me, you want to know a little story?
Me: STOP IT & SHUT UP
Sahir stops and lowers head
Me: Love the silence , well you want to apply for which role?
Sahir keeps silent
Me: I think now would be a good time to speak
Sahir keeps silent
Me: For GOD's sake man speak already
Sahir starts crying
Sahir: Nobody has talked to me soo rudely in my entire life
Me: Welcome to the real world bob
Sahir: But you are soooooo mean
Me: Alright dude am sorry now calm down and tell me which role?
Sahir stops crying then
Sahir: O khayi key paan banaras waala, khul jaaye band aqal ka taala oh phir tau aisa karay kamaal
Me: GET OUT , GET OUT, GUARDS THROW THIS CHINA's SHAHRUKH KHAN OUT OF HERE

Guards throw him out

Me: Thank GOD thatx over
I took a five minute break and then said

Me: Send in the next one
Shaan enters
Shaan: OYYYEEEEEEEEE
Me: YES I CAN HEAR YOU
Shaan: I was just acting so how was it?
Me: Dude you know its a patriotic movie don't you?
Shaan: Tau kya iska naam Pakistani Gujjar nahin?
Me: For your disappointment it aint
Shaan: OYE TEY MAIN ISS FILM WICH KI ROLE KARAAN?
Me: Tum iss film main hogey hi nahin tau role kya karo gey? GET OUT
Shaan: OYEEE Main teriyan nasaan phan deyaan gaan
I take my gun out
Shaan: Bhai main tau mazaaq kar raha tha, abb bhai key saath mazaaq bhi naa karun? Main jaa raha hun

Me: Sheesh, NEXT
Contestant 2: May I andar aaun?
I raise my eyes and as I saw her enter I quickly brought my eyes down
Meera: Hello
Me: Hey, didn't thought I would you meet you here
Meera: Kya? Tum mujhay nahin maar saktay
Me: HUH? Main aisa kyun karun gaa
Meera: You said you would meet me here meaning tum mera gosht banao gey idher
Me: *head desks*
Me: It means mujhay nahin pata tha key tum idher mil jaao gi
Meera: Oh tau you naa english main told karna tha, I samajh english only
Me: Oh-kay, so what is your wish for this film?
Meera: Oh Gods abb main kya kya speakun? Woh kya ghaalib uncle said key "Thousands of desires aisi key each desires par breath out"
Me: What? Oh do you mean 'Hazaaron Khawahishain aisi key har khawahish par dam niklay?"
Meera: Yes yes, now you see how much english comes to me
Me: Ermmmm yea , I can see that
Meera: So when aaun for movie?
Me: Yeah about that, iss sey pehlay key main tumhain bataun kuch khaao gi?
Meera: Nahin main abhi curd khaa kar aayi hun
Me: Oh acha dahi?
Meera: Haan haan wohi dahin
Me: Its dahi
Meera: Haan naa dahin
Me: Aaaaaahhhh , dekho meera tumhain yeh role nahin milsakta
Meera: What? Why? How? Me? You? But? See? Free
Me: Woah woah, saari english aaj hi khatam karni hai, but please you cannot get this role. Thankyou
Meera: FINE me jaaying in meri centro
Me: Centro meaning? Darmiyaan main?
Meera: Meri gaari centro
Me: Its SANTRO
Meera: HUNHHHHH

Me: Good Riddance, please bring in someone sensible next

Contestant 3: May I come in?
A girl enters
Me: Sure why not
Me: So name?
Looking down at papers
Contestant 3: Veena Malik
I quickly get up take out my gun and lodge three bullets into her head

Me: clear the body and NEXT
Another girl enters
Contestant 4: Hello sir
I look up
Me: NO SAHIR , I Told you , you cannot get a role
Sahir: Pleaseeeee
Me: GUARDS
Sahir: See I can also play as the heroin
Me: Yeah that comes natural to you, your sister Shaista is more of a man than you

Shaista Enters
Shaista: Did somebody call my name?

Reema Enters behind her
Reema: Shaista line main lago, meray sey pehlay andar kaisay aagayi?

Meera enters again
Meera: How inko chance get and mujhay not?

Sahir starts dancing and singing "Sheela , Sheela ki jawaani"

Shaista, Meera & Reema start a cat fight

I was about to go mad when I heard a laugh, a laugh soooo horrifying that I couldn't even think that it was her, I had heard about this woman that just by looking at her you can become a walking Lindsay Lohan regardless that you are male or female. I ran from that place as hard as I could man. That was all that I could take of Lollywood. Those were my fifty minutes in Lollywood.

I am shivering after telling the story again

See I told you DARK , DARKNESS THROUGHOUT

Nd am ending with a picture of that "thing" that came in the end , BUT PLEASE VIEWERS , VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK










SCARY MUCH??


ENDING WITH SOME PICTURES OF OUR CHAMPIONS OF LOLLYWOOD

That is all for this time
X Y'All







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